It’s hard to imagine that just days ago I was in such a happier mental space. One bad decision later, and I’ve been absolutely miserable every since Friday morning. I’m not innocent tho, I played my part in looking in something that was not mine, and for that I feel childish. Not just because I even did it, but that I even had the thought to do it. You would think I would have learned my lesson years ago when I found out about the secret life of my ex, and it’s sad that the only way I seem to find out the truth about what I’m really dealing with is to investigate at all. I don’t want to have to do that, I want to just trust that what someone tells me upfront is the absolute truth. Sometimes I wish there was an off switch for women’s intuition, but I guess it’s there for a reason.
However, I thought that opening up this time would be different, I even approached it differently hoping to obtain a different result. You know how they say, if you want different, you have to do different. I really tried to be the best version of myself, and not the skeptical Monica that falls for potential and not proof. Even with my pretty little fears, I tried so hard to not be consumed by insecurities and self-doubt. I tried to remain open minded and not overthink everything. I was way more open, and more willing to let my guard down this time, because I really wanted someone that I could trust with my heart, and not just in the traditional sense, but more so because it’s been broken so many times by people I trusted who weren’t even deserving of that trust. So I redirected the fear and tried my best to let go. I thought it was a good thing that this person I was trusting was sharing so much of their private life with seemingly a total stranger, that I thought for once I was safe to share my truths. It really did feel like for once someone wanted to know my past, not to punish me for it, but to understand how I needed to be loved and cared for. Someone wanted to appreciate me for being me, and nothing more. He even took the time to express that verbally, which made it so much more real for me. To take the time to awaken a woman’s love with no intention of loving her back wholeheartedly is cowardly, and yet here I was trusting that this time would not be like the rest. I even shared that I felt as tho I was falling in love, and now that I think back on it, it was way to soon to feel like that. But I still feel that there is a love there, maybe it’s not the “I love you let’s get married tomorrow” type of love, but there’s a love there that made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
As I sit here with a lump in my throat, fighting back the tears for the 3rd day in a row, I’m so confused and feeling more insecure than I ever have in my entire life. This one is really breaking me down. Not understanding why this has happened is the absolute worst part. I don’t know what I did wrong. And while I’ve been told that “it’s not you, it’s me”, that just doesn’t seem to be enough of a reason in my mind. No matter how how many times I repeat those words. It’s not enough to say that with no real explanation, because at some point I stopped being enough which in my mind, translates to “it is you Monica”. And now I feel like I’m being pushed away since there has been very little communication, and that is not helping. It’s actually making it worse, because I feel nothing but hurt and confusion, instead of understanding and finding the strength to move past it.
If I’m worth working it out, where is the effort? Why do I feel more alone now that I did before?
Everyday I feel more and more like the problem. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to talk to anyone or feel anything at all. I pray that I wake up more numb than I was when I cried myself to sleep. I lay in the dark, in silence and the tears just fall. I’m literally going half-crazy trying to figure out what to do, or if I’m even supposed to do anything. I am admittedly struggling with this. I’m blaming myself. I’m feeling completely worthless and like this is it. That’s we’ll just go back to being strangers and pretend we never met, and all of the last several weeks will mean absolutely nothing.