Finally setup my vanity in the other half of my office. I used to sit at my vanity everyday and put on makeup. Moisturize, eyebrows, eyeshadow, mascara, concealer, foundation, finishing spray, lipgloss. I used to dress up my outside but it never matched my inside. I smiled for a selfie, accepted praise for being pretty, and felt ugly the entire time. I listened but I didn’t believe it. I sat here today for 45 minutes staring at palettes and brushes I haven’t touched in months until the sun went down. I couldn’t get past the emptiness to pretend to be pretty today, not even for myself. I miss the old…
I’m good for a while. I’ll talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens, like a switch turns off somewhere and I shutdown. I am left with this darkness of my mind that I can’t explain. But each time it seems like I sink deeper and deeper. I’m scared. Terrified that one day I won’t make it back up. I feel like I’m gasping for air that I don’t even want. On a thin like from getting up and falling back down. So I sit. Sometimes in silence, sometimes in tears, every time alone.