I’m Changing

by Upenzi
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It’s hard to be optimistic about life changes, when the things you thought you wanted fail.  I’ve had my hopes up a few times this year only to be let down and feel like I’m right back at my starting point. In love, in friendships, in my career…a bunch of let downs and huge regrets. But I try so hard everyday to maintain my sanity and think happy thoughts.  In the midst of it all, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Much more than I even give myself credit for.  I have made it quite far and I need to remember to celebrate my life, even if I am not quite where I want to be.  I have my own place, a nice place that I absolutely love, I’m driving my dream car, I’m working at my dream company, doing a job I love and I know I will continue to grow with, my almost sixteen year old son is happy, truly happy and not just with monetary gifts, and as much as I cry and struggle internally with my own self-conscious bullshit, I know that there is apart of me that is happy. I’m actually feeling a lot better these days since confessing to my doctor that I am definitely silently suffering with anxiety and depression. I was tired of being untreated and feeling completely consumed by my thoughts. I forced myself to make an appointment and ask for help, and I got it.  My new medication is helping me soooo much.  I’m mad I didn’t ask for help sooner, but I’m so glad that I did. I could have avoided a few slip ups. The biggest one being letting my ex back into my life. Yes, the one who was dead to me. I gave in and let him enter my world again, only to discover he was still on the same old shit. I’m not even sure why I expected a narcissist to change. They don’t change at all, they just get more convincing. I felt myself losing my mind again for a man I loved who will never be the man I fell in love with ever again. We can never go back, too much has happened. It took a few weeks for me to realize that, and when I did, I blocked him everywhere. And I’m hoping that he just stays the hell away from me for good at this point because I need nothing from him. No more apologies, no more broken promises, keep it. I’m good over here.  I’m moving on, and I’m quite happy about it this time. Maybe because I feel like I closed the chapter this time, and not the other way around. There are no lingering questions of why, it just is what it is. I’m trying to be a better me, and that change requires limiting my accessibility.

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