Love

It’s hard to imagine that just days ago I was in such a happier mental space. One bad decision later, and I’ve been absolutely miserable every since Friday morning. I’m not innocent tho, I played my part in looking in something that was not mine, and for that I feel childish. Not just because I even did it, but that I even had the thought to do it. You would think I would have learned my lesson years ago when I found out about the secret life of my ex, and it’s sad that the only way I seem to find out the truth about what I’m really dealing with…

It’s crazy how when you start to feel things you aren’t used to, you want to hide. You would think that the positive feelings would make you want to open up, share more, be more expressive. Not me, I shut down. I think it’s the fear of getting close to someone again. That fear that I’ll once again let my guard down and the person will leave like everyone else has. I’ve began to realize that I do this…a lot. And not just in relationships with men, but friendships too. Crazy enough, I see me doing it, and the other person usually picks up on it, and that just scares…

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of wine you drink with your friends…you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after…

I’m happy to report that I am well on my way to finding my happy place.  I literally have nothing to complain about or anything specific that is bothering me.  I guess that’s partly why I’ve been so quiet lately.  I feel like if I continue to give energy to people and situations that make me uncomfortable, I will become engulfed in emotions that I simply no longer want to deal with.  It took a minute, but I’ve finally learned to say “okay” and be just that…okay.  I’ve stopped talking to a few people, some who might even read this blog and realize that I am specifically speaking to them…

One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked…

The more people disrespect me, the more I learn what I can and cannot tolerate in my life anymore.  That’s certainly not an invitation for people to disrespect me, I’m just saying when it happens, it’s not going unnoticed or without a consequential reaction.  The old me would lash out, cuss out everyone and as my closest friends will say, “go for your jugular”.  The more mature me realizes that I do not have to attend every argument I’m invited to.  That’s it’s okay to know that I’m worth more than losing my voice in an argument just to be heard by someone who has already stopped listening.  I use…

There was a moment in time where I prayed for your demise. I literally hoped you would die.  Do I feel bad for thinking that way? I do now, but at the time I was hurt.  Hurt by actions, words, broken promises, deceit, hurt by so many things.  Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the fact that I wanted you to die.  Every time I drove into Atlanta, and ended up in an area familiar to you, my gun was in my lap. Premeditated? Maybe. I was ready.  I knew if I saw you, there would be no words. There would be no tears. Hell, I…

Good Black men are indeed all around us. We pass them on the streets, in the malls and the halls at work. Most we can’t see because we don’t know what a good man really looks like. He usually isn’t flashy enough or rich enough to turn our heads. He might not wear a suit or push a Lex. He might not have a “body like Arnold with a Denzel face”. But, as you mature, you’ll realize it’s better to find someone who’s got your back than someone who can turn your head. A good man doesn’t agree wholeheartedly with everything you say. He doesn’t just tell you what you…

There are times when the biggest moments become the hardest. We must learn to learn from our mistakes and not become them. Dear Self, Promise to treasure your time, use it wisely. Don’t fall in love with potential, wait for proof. Remember that just because you want it, doesn’t mean it deserves to have you. Be patient, but don’t procrastinate. Be hopeful, but not naive. When it’s right, you’ll know because you won’t have to force it. You were not created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy. You were created to be victorious. Love, Me

(Check out this amazing DIY project to recreate this for your honey boo boo: StudioDIY) It’s that lovely time of the year for hearts & roses galore!  In all of my almost 32 years on earth, I have never been in love with Valentine’s Day.  I guess it’s because I’ve never had a real Valentine.  Sad isn’t it?  It’s actually surprising how many women I’ve met who are in the same love-less boat.  I’m one of those people who thinks love should be celebrated everyday, not just one day out the year just because everybody else is doing it. Yes, I’m the brat that doesn’t want to comply with the…