It’s in these moments, when I’m a lone in a dark place that I feel it the most. That the weight of the world feels like it’s at it’s heaviest. When that lump in my throat gets bigger and bigger and I cant breathe. When my wrists start to tingle and the tattoo on my upper right arm starts to burn. When the hair on the back on neck tickles so much I have to hunch my shoulders and rotate my head. When my eyes start to water and I look to the sky with my eyes opened as wide as I can, hoping that the tears dry up before they fall.
It’s right now.
When my heart starts palpitating. When I start seeing the red error lines beneath the words that I’m trying to type as I use this outlet to release, but continuously misspell words that I use every day, and I hit ‘delete’ to correct the mistake. The mistakes. So many mistakes I’ve made that led me here. Choices I swore I would I never make. Thoughts I thought I buried. People I thought I had funerals for in my mind. Lust that turned into love when I never intended it to. Love that turned into hate then back into love again. Confusion. Feelings that I don’t know what to do with. No one to call mine to tell this shit to. No one to call. No one to lean on. No one who gets it. People I have pushed away from because I don’t know what to say. Where to begin. How to fix it. How to try. Tired of trying. Tired of wanting the world to see me.
Nobody ever sees me.
I’m running thru a room with sharp edges. Getting cut at every turn. Leaving traces of my presence every where, and still nothing. Still nobody sees me. It’s in these moments. I’m reminded.