It’s been quite a while since I made my return and wrote my last entry here. If you’ve been around for a while, you know that I typically shutdown when things get to be too much. After that last disaster, so much unraveled that I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. Not to mention the demonic ex from hell started looking for me again *hard eyeroll* Anyway, not here to talk about that…as you can see…I’m having a baby, it’s a boy!  I want to be like super excited, and technically there is a large part of me that is considering everything I’ve gone thru.  But it’s kind of…

Here I am again, asking questions, waiting to be moved.  I am so unsure of my perception, what I thought I knew I don’t seem to. Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in? Back to the old me.  God, please hear my call I am afraid for me.  Love has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing. I’ve been such a fool, how did I get here? Played by all the rules then they changed. I am but a child to your vision standing in the cold and the rain. Lost here in the dark I can’t see my foot…

It’s hard to imagine that just days ago I was in such a happier mental space. One bad decision later, and I’ve been absolutely miserable every since Friday morning. I’m not innocent tho, I played my part in looking in something that was not mine, and for that I feel childish. Not just because I even did it, but that I even had the thought to do it. You would think I would have learned my lesson years ago when I found out about the secret life of my ex, and it’s sad that the only way I seem to find out the truth about what I’m really dealing with…

Okay so I’ve definitely been slacking on keeping up with this blog.  It seems that no matter how many times I promise myself (and whoever is still here reading….thanks btw) that I will post twice a week, it literally ends up being every other month. You can almost time my mental breakdowns by the way I post.  Which if you pay close attention, might be a good thing right now since it’s been over a month since my last post.  I’m still dented, but not broken. I’m sort of wavering through the days trying to remain positive, shutdown when I need to and not allow anything to slay my vibe.…

It’s crazy how when you start to feel things you aren’t used to, you want to hide. You would think that the positive feelings would make you want to open up, share more, be more expressive. Not me, I shut down. I think it’s the fear of getting close to someone again. That fear that I’ll once again let my guard down and the person will leave like everyone else has. I’ve began to realize that I do this…a lot. And not just in relationships with men, but friendships too. Crazy enough, I see me doing it, and the other person usually picks up on it, and that just scares…

Of all the things I’ve been through in life, nothing ever prepared me for these moments of worry and fear. I’ve never been this afraid of anything ever in life, not even clowns. Okay, I take that back, maybe the clowns. But like most people, cancer brings about a fear and concern for life and purpose that you never even realized you had.  It’s been 2 years of testing every three months, medication that thins my hair in the weirdest places, dries my skin, gives me stomach aches every day, makes me nauseous at the smell of food, yet keeps me hungry all the time, drains me of all my…

It’s hard to be optimistic about life changes, when the things you thought you wanted fail.  I’ve had my hopes up a few times this year only to be let down and feel like I’m right back at my starting point. In love, in friendships, in my career…a bunch of let downs and huge regrets. But I try so hard everyday to maintain my sanity and think happy thoughts.  In the midst of it all, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Much more than I even give myself credit for.  I have made it quite far and I need to remember to celebrate my life, even…