Nothing reminds you of just how alone you are, then being single on Valentine’s Day. I remember when I really didn’t care about this day at all. I can almost hear myself lying saying “Ehh, fuck a Valentine’s Day”. It took years for me to realize that the only reason that I actually hated it, was because I never had one. Even when I was in relationships, I can only think of one time that an ex got me a gift for Valentines Day. Every other relationship or situationship that I was in on this day, we were not speaking for whatever reason. It’s almost like they would all purposely fuck up just in time to not have to get me anything, and because I already mentally hated the day, I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get anything. Something else I’ve learned to not do, manifest bullshit in my own life. It’s not even about the gifts for me at this point, I would just like to be with someone who cherishes me enough to buy me chocolates that I’ll never eat, bears that will eventually be in a dusty corner of someone closet, balloons that will deflate, flowers that will die, and a lobster dinner that I will devour. I want to be that corny girl who does the same for someone else. Cologne to add to his collection, scarfs for the chilly mornings, strawberries for his lips, chocolate for my hips, risotto to go with the lobster we made together, and Hennessy for his glass because black men love Hennessy.
I don’t just want the man, the gifts and the meal, I want the companionship that resides before and stays long after. I don’t want the pressure of having to impress someone (or social media) with a lavish red hearts for one day just to say “I got a man”. I want to do all those things daily and then go to bed, with my heart secure, and knowing that my vaginal walls were not apart of a gift on Valentine’s Day because he’s already mine, and we gift each other when the needs fits, not with the calendar tells us to.
I miss companionship. I have no relationship goals, because there is not a single relationship out there that I want to mimic. I want what has been universally designed for us. Gone are the days of forcing relationships where they never should have formed, overlooking what I know I can’t accept, accepting what I know I don’t want, making excuses for a “but he” man, when I want a “he is” man. I want to smile a little more because his presence uplifts me, dance a little harder because he excites me, dream a lot better because his comfort brings me peace. Companionship for me at this stage in my life is almost mandatory, I simply don’t want to cycle through life without it. I’m ready. Find me. Let’s be together and fuck shit up.