I just wanted to feel. I wanted to know what it felt like for someone to want me, to need me…ME. I’ve been wanting to believe him for so long that I actually realized I pushed other people away just based on the things he’d tell me. Just based on the way I felt when he was near and how my heart smiled when he spoke to me. I thought he was real. Is it really always too good to be true? This certainly was. Thoughts, dreams, hopes, desires all up in smoke. Right back to where I started from, unwanted and alone all over again. I don’t want to cry but my heart hurts. My spirit aches. My eyes water at the very thought of him. I feel lied to, played and dismissed. I hurt heavier then the pain that I carried for ten years with my ex. I am only good enough when he wants me to be and any other time in between I am just like the rest of the women in his bed of flirtatious lies. I am no one special. He calls me his friend but I hurt right now because of how my friend just did me. Pumped my head up with the most glorified bunch of bullshit ever. And like the fool that I am, I fell for it. In such a short time I have gone from wanting to literally give birth to his children to wanting to punch him in the throat. I hate him. I want my heart back when he’s done stepping on it. In fact…I take it back. I cannot give him anything else as there is nothing left to give. I have given myself for far too long and if its not good enough for you then please leave me alone. I beg you to let me go if there is nothing there. I can’t do it. What you recently showed me told me all I needed to know. You probably don’t even realize what you did, it went against everything you claim not to be. For that brief moment … I saw right through you.
I looked in the mirror today and I didn’t want to be me.
I will not be back here to blog for a while. I need to back away from it all right now. I need my spirit and my mind back. Peace!