Have you ever liked someone so much that they were all you thought about then once you were with them you just lost all interest? I’m wondering if that is what’s happening right now. I like this man a lot but for the life of me can’t put into words why I like him. And when we are with each other I feel like I’m forcing myself to pay attention to him when my mind drifts off elsewhere. I don’t like that. I want to be totally into him but I think he ruined it a while back. The mini arguments only remind me of how it was when I was with
IT. I almost feel like I’ve taken a step back and am now dealing with another IT. That’s not what I want at all. I keep telling myself I cannot blame HIM for the problems I had with IT. I can’t use that as an excuse not to trust him or allow myself to get close to him. I need to just let go and let it do what it do.
I realized yesterday that my fears of him not liking me for me were over. He’s actually diggin me. And now all those times of me feeling like he was pushing me away by arguing about petty shit, now have turned into me pushing him away because of something he doesn’t even realize he did. Is that fair? Not at all. But its safe for me. I walk around with this tough ass exterior but on the inside I really am just a big mushy crybaby LOL I want love, not a fuck. This isn’t to say that my previous blog was bullshit cause I really do want my back knocked out. But if I could make love rather than fuck I’d be one happy camper.
I have some decisions to make. Do I continue dealing with the man who starts petty fights and confuses the shit outta me? Or do I let it go because its too much like my past which I am running away from? *sigh*