The recent events with MT (Man Trouble) got me to thinking about someone I think I gave more to then I realize. A few months ago I met a man who I just knew could change my life. He was every single thing I ever wanted in a man…a man that could become my husband. And he really liked me as much if not more then I liked him. He was very sweet, kind, caring, warm, sensitive, handsome, charming, he made me feel safe, he made me feel special….he was perfect. I loved the way he held my hand, rubbed my back when he was standing near me, traced my face with his finger as I slept, I love how nervous I made him. He was intimidated yet ready and willing to challenge me. He was shy yet generous in his feelings. He told corny jokes that only he understood yet I laughed cause I loved to watch him laugh. So what was wrong? Me. I was the one who was wrong. I was scared out of my fucking mind. I can admit that now because over time I have noticed that I never stop thinking about him. Back then I tried to convenience myself that he was all wrong for me. That this was not what I wanted. And it took time for me to learn to trust myself so that I could trust him. I had to realize that sometimes when you pray for things God actually provides a way for you to have all that you want, need and deserve. He damn near gave him to me and I pushed him away because I feared my own blessing. I was too scared to just let myself love him that I actually ignored him. I stopped calling him because I was scared. I stopped texting him because I was scared. I stopped everything because I was so scared. Every time I would talk to him my heart would flutter. It all was happening so fast and I had no idea what to do. I was losing my mind trying to do what was right for fear of it going wrong. In the end I sabotaged my own blessing. The love I begged for was here and I was running scared. 🙁
And now, its too late. I check on him occasionally through MySpace. Most of the time I just sign in to see his pics then I sign back out. Recently I signed in and saw comments from a woman he was dealing with at the time he and I were talking. She knew of me, just like I knew of her. Her comments referred to him as her “husband”. I was shocked. Not in an angry kind of way because I want him to be happy and if that’s what it is then so be it. I think it was a reality check for me. That I need to stop fighting and start letting things happen they way they are planned to. It really made me wonder what could have been, what is or what will never be between me and him. I sent him a text asking if he was married and he said “Not Yet”. That blew me further away. I didn’t know what to say. But to keep myself from appearing like a home wrecker I said “Congratulations” and moved on. Each day got a little easier and I thought about him less and less.
I don’t know what’s been happening the last 2 weeks though but I wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him. I even tried really hard to consume my mind with thoughts of him before bed Sunday night hoping I would dream of him so I can remember what he felt like. So I’m sitting here now texting him via Yahoo and I’m happy to hear from him. And to hear that he visits my MySpace just to peek. I can’t help but wish I was near him right now. I don’t know what to do because as much as I want him now, I feel like it’s not fair to him for me to reveal these thoughts and feelings. When he was ready for me, I ran from him. So why should I expect him to have waited or to want me now? Not only that but he’s in a relationship now. I don’t know what I’m doing.
*sigh* I really had to get that out. As confused as I am, I just wish I could go back before I let things get complicated. :down:
FINAL UPDATE ON MAN TROUBLE: It’s over. He called last night. Apologized, tried to convenience me to apologize by using psychology but I refused to give in. I told him we could be friends but I don’t think he wanted that. Correction, I know he didn’t when he said “Fine. I’ll see you whenever. And when I do, I’ll say “hi” and when you see me you can say “hi” and that’ll be that.” Yeah um, doesn’t sound like you care too much about the “friendship”. So I’m done.