Question existing…I was sitting here last night with the iPod on shuffle and this song played. I love grungy songs and this caught my attention really quick. It intrigued me because I’ve asked the very same question over the last few months. Seems like a few people in my life have giving me reason not to
trust them. It’s made me more confused then I’m willing to admit. I find myself thinking I’ve excluded everyone from my personal life that had no purpose there only to discover that those I thought I could believe in, I really couldn’t. I try to maintain friendships with certain people because I just don’t want to allow myself to think these people were fake with me. I want to believe I actually mean something to them. But the more I tell myself that the tighter my chest gets. I mean do I really live a life where I can’t trust anybody? Am I really so gullible that I’m ignoring the obvious signs of a liar? They say, what you do in the dark eventually comes to light. I’m wishing that everything would just come out at once. It’s the bits & pieces of information being fed to me at a slow pace that’s driving me crazy. I feel like I don’t know my “friends” as well as I thought I did. Funny since I always pegged myself as one who could see right through bullshit.
So I asked myself “Who am I living for?”. Do I listen to the hearsay dropped in my ear, im, email etcetera every other month or do I simply do me and not worry about anybody else? Too many chances have been given to show & prove. Too much time has lapsed. I cannot endure anymore.
I started this plan to reinvent myself for 2008. And something tells me this couldn’t have come at a better time. What better way to say good-bye to this wild emotional roller coaster ride of a year. It’s been hard being me, really hard. I have to let go. Let go of the pain, the stress, the anxiety…I have to release myself from the mental hold these so-called friends have on me and breathe. I have to breathe for Monika. I’m living for Monika.
*By the way, anybody wanna fix my Flickr up? I want borders dammit…I’m clueless.*