Over the last 6 years I have watched myself transform into this person who i barely even know. It’s not that I have become this psycho bitch but I am clearly not who I once was. Problem is everyone around me expects me to be this quiet timid little person and I don’t want to be. For years I never ever said what I thought. I was always conscious of what other people would think of me if I said what I really thought. Last April…I stopped. i stopped disregarding my own thoughts and feelings for the sake of sparing someone else’s. I thought I was doing myself and everyone who knew me a favor by showing them the real me. And all I ever get is ridiculed. I don’t understand for the life of me why when I am being real and me…people turn away from me. But let me sit back, play the role and be fake and they will all think I’m some lil soft spoken funny girl.
I’m a grown ass woman. How am I supposed to act exactly? I’m so fed up with constantly being on the defensive about who I am that I don’t even know anymore. I’m so tired of not being able to say and do what I want without people who are close to me ridiculing me and telling me to shut up. And it’s not like I’m disrespectful when I speak my mind. Yes, I have a slick tongue, but I’m hardly a rude and crude bitch.
*sigh* I don’t know anymore…I really don’t. But I don’t want to prove myself everyday to be something everyone else expects me to be. I just want to be loved and appreciated for who I am. Why is that so hard?