Do you ever have those moments where everything seems so perfect, almost too good to be true? But it feels so damn good. Then something or someone comes along and takes a piss in your Cheerios? I’m in that place right now and all I wanna do is live. Live peacefully and drama free. I’m not even experiencing drama from people around me this time. It’s things in my own life. Monika issues. I don’t even know who to blame because I still don’t think this is my fault.
Being the spoiled brat that I am, I know that I am always asking for more then what can be provided to me right now. I want everything right now. I don’t want to wait. I guess because I see people who aren’t working half as hard as me get ahead and I feel like I deserve to move forward as well if not beyond the next person. Is it really too much to ask to just live? I don’t want financial worries. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I just want to live and just be. Why is that so hard?
I sat at my desk today and cried in silence. Once again, my life is about to be twisted into something I am unprepared to deal with. I really need a break. It’s almost to the point where I am considering filing for bankruptcy. It’s either that or continue to give God these unanswered prayers every day like I’ve been doing for what seems like forever. I’m losing my faith. Hmph, I can’t even type that without trembling. I hear people say all the time “Give it to God, he’ll take care of it.” How many times do I need to give it to him? Have I not given him enough? Do I need to lay down in the street and bleed for him to see that I need HELP!
I’m trying really hard not to have pity on myself. I know things will not always be this difficult. I know this. It just is what it is right now. But the fact that it’s ALWAYS SOMETHING is what seems to be bringing me to yet another breaking point. I’m so sick of this. I’m too selfish to be suicidal…a bitch just need a fuckin break!
And I know the song does not match 100% but the message is still there…I just want to see my sunshine.